What is LoVe?

blog photoWhat is love?  Love is not just a feeling, or emotion. Love is an action. Love is when someone is hurting and you take the time to help heal their hurt. Love is when someone needs you and you literally stop all that you WERE going to do and listen to them, let them know that you are there for them, pray for them… That is love. Love is all these things and so much more.

Being a military wife, love can feel very absent sometimes. It is easy to turn the TV on and watch romantic love stories unfold and think, ” I wish I felt love like that. I wish someone could love me that much!” But then reality sets in and really, that kind of love is not real. It’s fake. Yes I am sure that there are men out there that really love their women like you see on TV, but they are very few and far between. Love is sacrifice. Love is hard work. Love is loyalty. My husband is not around a lot, and there are times that I wish he was around more to love me the way that I sometimes want to feel loved. But then I will stop and think about how much love he really has for me, for us. He sacrifices so much of himself so that we can live on this beautiful mountain. He works so hard and puts in hours upon hours so that when he does want to take a day off to spend more time with us, he can. He is the most loyal person that I have ever had in my life besides God. The boys and I know that he will always be there for us, and that he will do anything, and I mean anything to make us happy. That is love from my soldier.

I am not the type of person to seek out love. I do not seek out attention or friendships, I just mostly keep to myself. I think being a military spouse, with all the moving around that we do, has really taught me that there is no real reason to seek out friends because we will be packing up soon to move somewhere else so what is the point? I have my close childhood friends that I grew up with and I talk to them every now and then, and my sister, we talk all the time,  and of course I have my acquaintances that I talk to when I see them, but I really do not have  a friend that I talk to on a regular basis, or that I hang out with once a week, or anything like that. If I need to talk to someone about something personal and it isn’t Rob or my sister, I usually just pray and talk to God. I tell him all the time that he is my counselor. Which he is. He is the best counselor that we could ever have. But I learned this week that he does not expect us to go through this life alone. The enemy sure wants us to be alone all the time because he wants to keep us in a vulnerable state of mind where our minds are literally his playground. That’s how I have felt as of recently. I have been so alone that the enemy has really crept up on me and attacked my mind. I have allowed myself to be alone though. I haven’t reached out and asked anyone to hang out or asked anyone for prayer or let anyone know that I truly needed someone to walk along this life with me. That all changed this past week. Thursday I was really feeling alone, attacked, afraid and very defeated. There is a couple in my church that have bible study on Thursday nights. I usually do not go because my son has basketball games every Tuesday and Thursday nights, or my husband comes home on Thursday nights so I am busy getting ready for him, but this night there was no game and my husband was not coming home and I felt like I really needed some people in my life. On my way to bible study I almost turned around three times thinking to myself, ” I do not need anyone, I have God, I’ve got other things to do, my kids need me home etc..” Excuse after excuse was going through my mind. But I pressed forward and kept driving because I knew it was the enemy. I knew that something great was going to happen at that bible study because he was trying to convince me so hard that I didn’t need to go. But oh did I ever need to be there. To make a really long story short, the leader of the bible study asked if anyone had a prayer request. Oh my goodness it was like all of a sudden I couldn’t speak. I of course did not want to be the first one to say anything so I just sat there very silent but also screaming on the inside. Wanting to shout from the top of my lungs “ME!! ME!! I have a prayer request!!” But then it was like my mouth wouldn’t open.. And then finally I was brave enough to ask. I said it! I needed prayer and I finally opened up and asked for it. I was struggling. Struggling with so much! Bad thoughts running through my mind, keeping me up at night, lies from the enemy, loneliness, fear, anxiety, doubt and unbelief!! No one wants to admit those things especially when you write a book about fear and knowing that God delivered me from the fear of death! But death wasn’t the fear I was experiencing this time. It was a different kind of fear. Fear that I will write about later, but I learned something just this morning. Fear is all the same! It’s a lie, and it all leads to destruction. No matter what your fear is about, stop and actually think about it… What is the ultimate answer to your fear? Death! Even if you are not necessarily fearing that you are going to die, if you study your fear long enough, the end result would be death. Either death to your life, death to your relationships, death to your children, death to something. All fear stems from the fear of death!

Anyway I opened up and asked for prayer, and my church friends, my church family came together, stopped their bible study to help me! Just me. They all prayed for me and told me that they had been waiting for this. They knew that I was struggling, but they were waiting for me to ask for help. They were all ready and willing and able to be my friend. They know that this deployment that my husband is getting ready to go on has really been eating at me, and they have all committed to being my friend and making sure that my kids and I are not alone in this. That is Love.. I have often not felt God’s love. I know that is bad to say as a Christian, but it is the honest truth. Maybe I have felt his love but haven’t let it in. I do not know why I do that sometimes, but Thursday night bible study I felt so loved. Not just by my friends of the church but by God! Oh how he loved me so much that he wanted me in that house, that very night, so that I could feel the love all around me. The women of the church even made me a blanket, they had been working on for months! A blanket of love. A blanket made with love. All for me. That is love. Jesus says in John 15:17 ” This is my command, Love each other.” That is love from my friends.

God loves us through all different avenues.  He may bless us with something our hearts have desired, gives us a much deserved raise at work, blesses us with beautiful families,  shows us his love through feelings he gives us, or sunsets and sunrises. His word shows us just how much he loves us. Jesus dying for us shows us just how much he loves us.  There is so many ways God shows us he loves us and sometimes it is through other people. There is a scripture that I cling to all the time when I start to have fear rise up in me. And it does. I have had a hard time admitting it, because again, no one wants to admit that they have any struggles. We all want to look like we have this perfect little life with no personal struggles. But even though I know Jesus died to set me free, and even though I know that I am saved through his grace, and even though I know that I am his and he is mine, I still struggle. I still have times in my life were fear creeps in. Doubt boggles my mind. Unbelief tries to confuse me. It happens to all of us. But God’s love is so powerful and if we will just let it consume us, let it overwhelm us, if we will just remember all the times that he has shown his love and care and protection for us, if we will think only on how much God loves us, fear won’t exist. The scripture that I cling to is this 1 John 4:18 ” There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” God doesn’t want us to fear. He wants us to live! He wants us to enjoy this life he has given us regardless of what our lives have thrown at us.  That is love from my God.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Surrender? Nope!

Well, It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote.. And tonight I decided to write and name this one Surrender? Nope! The reason why is because Rob just left to head back down to Phoenix.. It’s Sunday. He doesn’t usually leave on Sunday’s. Actually he has been taking most Monday’s off and not leaving until Tuesday mornings. So we usually have Friday night through Tuesday mornings with him. But he had some early morning meetings tomorrow so he had to leave today and didn’t even get here until late Friday night. So I am feeling robbed. (No pun intended!) We only really got to spend a day with him, and then he’s gone again until Friday… Anyway, so I cried and cried after he left and felt sorry for myself and cried some more. And on one hand I would tell myself that it’s ok to cry and let myself feel down and sad, and then  I would tell myself to cowboy up and muscle through it that this is the life we chose so suck it up!

Yes, this is the life we chose, but, I don’t think you are ever prepared for the separation. I don’t think your heart is ever prepared to say goodbye once a week! That is what we do. We are always saying goodbye! And it is getting old! I’m tired! I am dang dog tired of saying goodbye. And it ain’t over yet…

Everyone had all these new year’s resolutions for 2018 like to lose weight, feel great, eat better not butter, run more, take the stairs etc. Not me.. Sure I want to eat better and I want to exercise and feel great, but 2018…. Nope, I wasn’t looking forward to it! Why? Because 2018 is fixin to bring our family a deployment. Rob is being deployed in June and I am devastated. I can’t stop thinking about it. This deployment has literally consumed my life, my time, my mind! I am so sad! I haven’t felt sadness like this since, well, I don’t even know when. Maybe 18 years ago when I lost my twins. (That’s a story for another day) but that’s what this feels like. Like I am losing him.

This will be Rob’s 7th deployment, but he has been state side for 12 years!! We haven’t had to say a goodbye to this measure in 12 years. And I’m not ready! Nope! I do not want to do this. I’m mad! I’m angry. I don’t understand. And I’m scared.

I’m not really scared for his safety. I really feel like God has given me peace that he is going to come home in one piece safe and sound. What I am scared about is loneliness. Maybe that is why we decided to move back to the mountains while he works in Phoenix. Maybe this little 5 day separations were just to prepare us and get us ready for what was going to come. But what am I going to do without him? How am I going to survive this year long deployment?

The enemy sure tries to creep in and beat you up when you are down and flood my mind with all these what if’s… “What if he doesn’t come home? What will you do then? What if you can’t handle all this by yourself? What if you hit major depression and the Army has to send him home because you are crazy? What if your boys never talk to you because they are too busy? What if you are bored? What if what if what if what if!!!!” ENOUGH! I realized I had to start what iffing him back! “What if Rob comes home a different and better man! What if not only can I handle everything here by myself but I take on even more and succeed in that? What if I am so happy that people will want to strangle me because I am filled with so much joy! What if my boys step up and take care of their mama for once! What if I come out of this stronger than I went in it? What if this deployment strengthens our marriage and strengthens Rob’s relationship with his boys! So TAKE THAT DEVIL!! NO I WON”T SURRENDER TO YOU! NOPE!

You know it is easy to listen to the lies. It really is. And when he strikes the hardest is when we are at our weakest. I was crying today, feeling alone, feeling sad and worrying about the future. Worrying about what I am going to do, and what will happen when he leaves. And boom! All these thoughts start invading my mind. The battle is right between our ears. The battle is in our mind for sure. We all have bad days, we all have weak moments and times we feel like giving up. But I’ve got to remember that God is on my side. He is fighting for me. He loves me so much and holds every single one of my tears. He will help me get through this. He will strengthen me. He will encourage me, and if I keep my eyes on him, I will not fail. And I won’t give up. I won’t surrender. I will continue this fight in me!

 

 

 

The Journey Begins

 

Thanks for joining me!

Hi! I am so happy that you stopped by! I feel like I have a lot to say so I hope you are sitting down. 🙂 I have really been thinking about starting a blog for quite some time, but I always thought it was too difficult and I really just didn’t make the time to figure it out. But guess what? I figured it out. It might be a little rocky for a while until I get the hang of it, but this is a good start for sure.. 

The reason that I decided to start this blog, well, actually, there isn’t just one reason there are many. One reason is, I am lonely. You know when you talk to people all day long so when you come home you do not really want to talk? Well, I don’t have that problem. I am an Art teacher, so pretty much the only conversation I am having during the day is with kids 13 and under, and then when I get home, there isn’t anyone to talk to. My husband is in the Army and he only comes home on the weekends. I feel as though I do not have the right to whine and complain about that because truly we chose this life we are living right now. Long story a little shorter, we decided that we would move back to this little town that we fell in love with back in 2010 when the Army moved us here. You know, being in the Army we literally move about every 3 years, so after we got to stay here for 3 years, we had to up and move again. After 16 moves in just about 16 years of marriage, we decided that we would settle our kids at one school, in one town so that they could finish school with one group of kids instead of always trying to make new friends. So here we are… But my husband couldn’t come. He is stationed somewhere else and although we feel as though God really placed us in this place for reasons I will explain later, it is really hard to be apart all the time. 

Even though I have kids, they are older now and both of them are extremely involved in sports and both of them actually have jobs. They are 16 and 13. So there are many nights, actually most nights that I get home from work and I do not really see them until dinner time. So I am in this house… alone! Sure I have my dogs, and a bearded dragon that I love very much. Ok I really must be lonely, did I just say I love our bearded dragon??? Wow! Never in my life would I have guessed that I would fall in love with a lizard!! This lizard, named Ragnar, you know the most fearsome and bravest Viking of all time, (this is coming from my boys who are in love with Vikings) anyway, this lizard has stolen my heart! I find myself talking to him all the time like he is a baby.. which he is a baby, only 5 months old, but not a human baby.. Anyway, I feed him sometimes when my son is not home. He eats roaches and crickets and worms! Yep, I touch those things to feed this dang lizard, but again, I love him. Ok ok, I don’t really “touch” the bugs with my actual fingers, I get a stick or tonight I got some keys to scoop the worms out and I let the crickets just jump to their death inside his cage, so I really didn’t have to touch them, but you know, I like to sound brave.  Anyway, I do not know how I got off on this Ragnar rant, but basically I spend more time with my animals than any humans.. (Insert laughing emoji) 

My whole point in all of this is that even though I feel alone, and actually, I am alone a lot, God says that he will never leave me. I have been really pressing in to God a lot more lately. Wanting to learn more and more and wanting to free myself of some battles that I fight within. That is why I named this blog, “The Fight in Me” I feel like no matter where I am at in my life, no matter what age, or what town I live in, what weight I am, no matter what, I am always fighting a battle. There is always something…But do I lay down and surrender? Or do I stand up and fight?

 

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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